Not enough time

Do you ever have the feeling you don't have enough time to do all the things you want to do?

I do. Lately more than usual. I remember a friend of mine used to tell me he was getting frustrated about the fact that he wanted to study as much as he could, train, do stuff but he was compelled to sleep at some point and to him that time was wasted.

At that time I thought he was exaggerating and I felt that being in his mind must be incredibly stressful and frustrating. But now... I think I understand the feeling.

Now let me explain, I know it sounds crazy:

a) I love studying. Yes, I admit I do. But not everything. I like to learn about things that I find interesting and, unluckily (or luckily?) for me, they are an awful lot. I regret so much not to have studied in a different high school because of this, too. I am not studying all of the things I used to, now, as my uni is very sectorial. Also, I work, and it takes away a lot of time to this. In addition, I am an extremely unorganised and inconstant person, which means I start all the way with something and I then get absorbed in something else which makes all the effort I put into my previous work pretty much useless. It happened, for example, with philosophy which I absolutely love but that doesn't sound as interesting when you're studying it on your own. I like to have actual people explaining things. I literally adore listening to good teachers and professors. Or even friends of mine explaining me stuff. I plan on learning loads of stuff by myself: philosophy, literature, history, physics, maths, history of art... It's just... such a nice feeling to be able to know all those things! Argh, I get chills just talking about it!

b) As many of you know I am in the middle of a very important and time-taking process of writing a book. I am almost to page 200 and it is taking away most of my time. Well, I want it to. Thing is I get very distracted by the internet and it is very difficult to me to write while I am at home here in Italy. I need to be surrounded by a specific environment to be able to put all my effort into writing. This is one of the reasons why my writing has been inconsistent during this last year. But I am now fully back on it and working like crazy on organising all of the research I did about the main topic and all the things I already wrote. It's harder than it sounds, I had genuinely forgot how hard you have to work to make something like that work.

c) I am a book addict. That's as much as I can say to justify myself (if I really have to). I am always reading some kind of books and sometimes even more than one at the time. My favourite time to read is before bed, as it relaxes me and I get fully on it. Lately, though, I have been dedicating myself a lot to writing so I struggled to find the time to read. This year, in addition, I set myself a goal of books to read, so I really want to read them all! It's just frustrating I can't do more than one thing at once.

d) I really enjoy training, going to the gym or keeping myself fit, anyway. It's nothing too big, I just enjoy keeping myself busy and for a mind as stressed and agitated as mine that's the best way of calming me down and just make me proud of what I do. I know it sounds weird said by me, but I genuinely get disappointed when I don't manage to do anything during the daytime. It just makes me feel good, maybe it's because of endorphins I have no idea but it just is and I struggle to find the time to do that also because it's freaking cold outside!

e) I am a film-lover and I spend days browsing through different kind of films, trying to find the one that suits my taste and sounds interesting. When I get into one, then, I need to make everyone aware of how good or how bad it is so it also takes away time emotionally. I know, it's weird, it's just that I have a massive list of films I want to see and between all of these things to do... how the hell am I going to find the time to watch a 2 or 3 hours film? In my sleep?

f) I unfortunately (or luckily?) work. So that... definitely takes away a lot of time. And it's tiring too. And when I am tired creating is just out of reach. Like, definitely impossible. My mind shuts down and oh, that's frustrating.

g) This is definitely unfortunate because I have sometimes to go to doctors to get checked, and we all know how long we usually wait at the doctor/dentist/therapist.

h) My physiological need to eat can't really be skipped and I am also quite picky, as many of you know. This means I spend a lot of time buying organic and good stuff I can make into something appealing and healthy. I noticed such a HUGE improvement in my health since I have been doing this that is actually... incredible and I'll never stop suggesting this to everybody.

i) I aaaaalso work as a Youtuber, videomaker and photographer so... that is not a job that takes away just a few minutes. I wish it did! Oh, well, I'd actually prefer the other one to do so. But yeah, I need to be available all the time and when someone needs a shoot it may take away entire days! And let's not even start with the editing. That takes ages sometimes.

l) I have friends and a family I cannot really ignore. And I don't want too. Sometime though, I have no idea how to manage it all.

So that's part of what's going on in my head. There are loads of other more private things I have to do and keep checked and think about and I am just HOW THE HELL CAN I DO ALL THIS, I WANT TO DO ALL THIS, WHY CAN'T I? I slept less and less, I tried to do more at once but.. yeah it doesn't help. So yes, that's frustrating. I feel like I need a timeturner.

Just join me into this rambling of stress.

Did it ever happen to you? When? How?

x

Ellie

A little update on my life

Woah, these last weeks have been quite crazy. I had my parents with me in London after two years, this was so nice. Especially considering my mom has a phobia about flying and being trapped into means of transports and places, so it was a huge step for her to finally come to see me. She made it. I am proud of her. 

Unfortunately I was ill all the days, but I tried to bring them around anyway since it was something I had been waiting for two years to do. We had fun and I showed them a lot of things but London had to show its worst side of course, so for some reason traffic was awful and the tube was a nightmare. But it was fun, in the end! 

Coming home was a nightmare because I had a freaking cold so landing was painful for my ears and I could barely hear anything at all. It was like being on a bloody Doctor Who episode. I was landing somewhere weird with weird people and weird feelings and... I have to admit the plane noise quite resembled the TARDIS one. :D

Once I got home I had a day to rest because on the night after I had been hired as the Official Photographer and Filmmaker of an amazing show that did a total Sold Out! I had so much fun taking photos and filming footage, plus realizing this is actually my job and I can actually be paid for doing something I genuinely like is... something absolutely amazing I would have never thought I'd be able to achieve. It's a little step towards a dream come true. 

The show was actually a musical inspired to Glee. They talked about great issues like pursuing dreams, relationships with each other, self-esteem and anorexia in a very nice way. They made the audience laugh, cry, think, sing, stand up... it was an amazing show and they were all incredibly talented. I'm proud to have had the chance to work for them!

After this amazing night comes the tough part. Unfortunately, being in Italy means I have to get back to work. As much as I love my colleagues and my job it drains me completely. The rhythm I am compelled to keep to serve all the dozens of people who come into the café is not something I can keep doing. My body just can't do it. This summer I felt awful for 4 months because of the stress and anxiety caused also by this job. I got home and I was angry, hungry, sad but most of all exhausted. Completely exhausted and, when I am, I become incredibly annoying. I an nervous and I snap at everybody because I am damn stressed and worried. I then feel awful because I do and so I dislike myself and I don't like this routine. I am not that person. This situation also kills my creativity, which makes me even sadder. So I'll see how it goes, if it's definitely too much for me - and it might turn up to be so, as I have to work 6 days in a row at this rhythm - I will quit. Money is something it's very very very much needed in my family but it's not worth me going insane trying to force my body to keep up with something he just can't do. 

At the same time I got to see my friends again and we explored the theory behind why the toasted bread always falls on the jam side. After formulas, actual experiments on my floor, tough arguments and weird bets we got to the conclusion that the slice just can't turn more than 180° because of a series of factors I didn't quite understand - damn science! - and we let it go. But I love these weirdos and God I had missed them. 

I have tons of medical stuff to do this month, I don't like it, but I really hope I will enjoy my holiday and find the time to relax, have fun, read and write. I also have a few short films soon to come! Youtube is always a great satisfaction and surprise. It always makes me very happy. 

So... What next? IT'S BLOODY CHRISMAS AND I AM sO exiTeD! I love it. I just do. The atmosphere, the fairy lights, the music, the warm and spicy drinks and... the (possible) snow. AAAAAAAAW.

You? What do you like about Christmas? What's your favourite thing of these last weeks? Let me know in the comments below! It's always soooo interesting to know. :)

Now back to a nice glass of warm soy milk with looooads of sweet honey in it. My night treat. 

Ellie